I’m sick. This suuuuuccccckkkksssss. I just want cuddles and hot chocolate and my hair played with.
2018
2018 was probably the most challenging since 2010, but also the most rewarding.
January: I knew I wanted a divorce, but I refused to do anything about it. I became complacent. Hell, I knew I’d wanted a divorce since like October 2017. Sean and I had argued and argued. I stopped asking for sex. He never wanted it. I had come to hate myself so much, I stopped caring about everything about myself. I sunk. He took a lot of control as well. Always complaining. Refused to let my play a game with friends. Demanded that I only play with him. Said that if I played the game before he was able to he would uninstall it from my console. Shit like that.
February: I kept having the words at the end of my tongue, trying to say them, but no sounds ever came out. I resented Sean, but I couldn’t bare to hurt him. He was still my friend and I still cared. Feelings developed for another.
March: I got the courage to ask for the divorce. At first it seemed okay, the next day he tried to kill himself and choked and threw me into a wall. I made bad choices to stay at the apartment and make sure he didn’t attempt again when he returned. He left for Florida shortly after. I was so scared. There were things I wanted that he couldn’t give tho and I wanted to be happy. And at this point, regardless of my marital status, I gave my heart to someone else…sure, morally it was wrong, but I couldn’t help but seek out love and attention from others. I had already cheated on Sean after we were engaged, so I should have just realized the flag then that I didn’t truly love him.
April: I don’t remember what happened in April. I was happy. I was free. I cut for the last time.
May: I moved from PS4 to PC playing the MMO I play. My divorce was finalized. I was truly free.
June: Not to sure. I think I was still struggling with food again.
July: I told S about my food struggles.
August: I didn’t use my safeword during some play with S and hurt myself. I got a buttplug. I was starting to really slip.
September: Sarge tried to snake me and kept pushing me about him having interest in me. S distanced himself a bit because was being crazy. I tried to quit smoking and lasted a few weeks. I broke some.
October: The month where I was completely broken. All I did was cry.
November: Still cried a lot, but I started taking steps to get better. I colored my hair red! I got into a team in the game I play! Things started getting better the middle of the month.
December: A good month. I’ve not cried randomly. I think I’ve only cried at movies that make me sad. I feel happy. I have hope. I’ve cut out negative people from my life…aka Sarge. We don’t talk much and I think it’s great. I realized he was a shit friend who had alternative intentions. I’m so happy with S. We’re growing and learning more about each other. And just enjoying the time we have.
Soooo…things to look forward to in 2019! I get to meet S. Someone who I actually can see a legit future with. Someone who I can’t imagine cheating on. Someone who doesn’t sugar coat things, but just tells me how it is. I am getting a raise! I’m losing weight still. Did I mention that I get to meet S?????? EEEEE. I have to be very careful with PTO. I am hoping that perhaps S and I can meet in January and when things go well I can fly to him in the summer or early fall. I’m not sure how things will go, but I’m excited to see how it goes. Okay, enough for now.
Good day today. I’m pretty happy with how I’m doing mentally. It’s such a turn around from a few months ago. I’m still unsatisfied with my appearance, but blarg, that’s a constant battle. I’ll get better eventually. I know I want to lose weight and that will help for sure. S is so cute and sexy, like weird stuff that shouldn’t be sexy is. Lolol. It’s so strange, but yeah. Eeeeee I’m so nervous about meeting. I think things are finally in a good spot now that I’m not crazy. lol. Jesus fuck that was such a bad time. But I’ve changed some stuff and removed some things from my life, which was really good. Ew, I just realized I have a raid tonight and I really don’t want to raid. :( Gross. It’s with people I don’t know and I don’t really care to play with. Okay, I need to finish up some things for the day.
S and I priced tickets yesterday! Eeeee it’s getting so close! And his sister is visiting with her baby, and she is so adorable!!!! And S is so good with her, like it’s so precious. Like ugh, it’s just…idk…i want that one day! We made plans for when I visit him to take her to the zoo.
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This morning I did a little Skype show for him. He told me what he wanted to see and I obeyed, for the most part. :P it was our first time using skype video tbh and not just pictures and videos and voice. It was really fun honestly. I was so nervous, but his reactions to everything was super reassuring.
I hope everyone had a happy Christmas. Mine was better than expected. S told me that Christmas is hard for him since his mom is gone. He said he wouldn’t be around at all and he would just be kinda keeping to himself all day and not to expect us to talk. I was upset at first, but I thought about it and realized that I would probably be a bit the same in that situation. For Christmas I wrote him a letter and made him a playlist. He didn’t want me to get him anything for Christmas. We discussed it a little, so I just shared some thoughts and songs with him before I went to bed Christmas Eve. I let him have his time. I got a message from him around 10:30 telling me his horse in Red Dead died, and he invited me to a party chat so we could hang out. I honestly hadn’t anticipated us getting to hang out. Then later that evening we hung out with friends and played some Divinity 2. It was really nice honestly. I know how much he misses his mom, I wish I could help him heal, but this may be something he has to battle on his own. We’re meeting next month, I’m really excited. I honestly think it’s going to take our relationship to the next level, which is something I know I long for and I think he does as well even though he’s good at turtling his feelings. He lets them out at times. Jeeze…I was reading through some of our old messages from this time last year. He was struggling with stuff and I was expressing my need for a divorce and how much I wanted out. It’s crazy how things have changed. Our conversations were so innocent this time last year. God, we’ve known each other for nearly 3 years now. It’s so crazy realizing that.
I’m working on a playlist for S for Christmas. I know he will be alone tomorrow. But I just want to share how much he means to me even in his time alone. I wish I could be there for him.
Christmas is a really hard time for S since him mom passed. He said he pretty much shuts everyone out the entire day and is just alone. He said it would be the same this year. I was upset at first, but it’s his decision. I would love to spend some time with him, but I know how much his mom meant to him and now she’s gone. And it’s still a fresh wound for him. I really wish I could just teleport to be with him and comfort him. I’ll miss him tomorrow. I know he won’t message me, I know he will show offline and probably turn off his phone. I just wish there was some way I could help. Also, talking about this reminds me of something Sarge said that truly pissed me off. He said that S has no reason to be upset because he and I had been through so much worse, blah blah blah. I think it was a turning point in my friendship with Sarge. When he said that it instantly keyed me in on his hidden motives. And it really upset me. I’ve not really talked to him in about a week or so. He’s randomly messaged me but it’s super casual. And I don’t really care about that fuck. Sucks I lost someone I thought was a true friend, but it is what it is. People are fucks and will always be fucks. I just gotta learn who’s legit and who’s a cunt.
I can’t wait to meet S. Next month…sooooo soon. I’m still really nervous. I love this man. We’ve been dating like…yeah a long time and we’ve known each other for years. But I’m still so fucking nervous. lol. There’s so much I need to do in my apartment. I want to clean up everything. And I want to move my room around as well.
I have a half day today!!!! Not a long weekend because I still have to work on Christmas Eve, butttt I still get Christmas off! So that’s exciting. S is sick. :( Just a cold, but he’s got a cough with it. So he’s not been talking much. I was in panic mode yesterday for dumbass reasons. Lol. I’m better now. I just took sleep meds and passed out early. It’s what I’ve been doing if I get the zoomies. I just have to tell myself little things to help my brain chill. But it’s good. I’m becoming more trusting and more independent.
S has been affectionate today. We’ve not talked much because we’ve both had work and he’s got a Christmas dinner for work, but it’s been really adorable and sweet. I woke up to a nice little message too this morning. I’m falling for this man…a lot. I don’t mind either. He’s truly an amazing and patient man. I’m actually learning to trust and grow as a person. He doesn’t caudal, but he forces growth when it’s needed.
